Monday, March 30, 2009

Lollygagging and Adjusting

(I am recovering from a 3-day bender and subsequent 10-hour drive from Nashville so Lacochran was nice enough to come over and entertain everyone today. If you have never been over to her place go check it out - she was one of the first blogs I ever read and has always been one of my favorites. Right behind that White-Collar Redneck guy - he is hilarious AND dreamy. Total package - that's what the girls say.)

L.A. guest posting here while Narm is off lollygagging—and let’s face it, if you’re going to enjoy your lolly, you best learn to relax and take it slow. Work that jaw, man.

So, fine. In an effort to try to hold up my end (that’s what she said) here in this testosterone filled place, I’m upping the crude factor. For me, that is. Still way below the usual Narm standard. But I’m giving it a go.

Scratch. Stare at your chest. Hork and spit. Belch. Yeah, you might want to take a step back… that would be the onions on the pizza at lunch. Huh, tasty both ways!

How’m I doing?

In truth, I’m not that well versed in the ways of strange men. And they’re all sort of strange, no? It’s kind of odd stepping into a guy’s place—you know, once you step over the empty Molson bottles—but sort of interesting, sociologically speaking.

It’s not that I haven’t been interested in what’s important to guys before but what with all the mandatory pillow fights in lacy underwear and high heels, and, of course, the hours of giggling I’ve got to log, we gals just don’t have a lot of extra time.

In fact, guys, you know how we’ll be casually chatting and you’ll be going on and on about something (who knows what) and I’ll be looking at you like you’re fascinating? I’m actually thinking about sparkly jewelry. Or monkeys. Or monkeys bringing me sparkly jewelry. Ladies, you’re thinking about a monkey bringing you sparkly jewelry right now, right? Who can blame you? Nobody. A monkey with a diamond tennis bracelet in his paw: that’s the American Dream. Ahhhh.

But since I’ve got the floor here, and I’m supposed to act like I care about manly stuff even more than usual, let me ask you a delicate question that is specific to men (I mean men exhibit the behavior—I’ll happily take answers from men and women): What’s with a guy who does a lot of adjusting? Yeah, adjusting. I used to work with a man who did a lot of adjusting. Is this a more publicly acceptable way to choke the chicken? Is this supposed to be a compliment? Is this an indication of disease? How much adjusting should one man need? No, really. Can you break it down for me? In the words of Elaine Benes, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”

17 comments:

Matt said...

Sometimes you have to adjust.

you cant stop the adjustment, you can only hope to contain it.

whatever that means.

Deutlich said...

I never thought I'd see the day when I found someone else who used the word lollygagging. This ALMOST makes you my favorite Clevelander, except Alexa's actually flying here to VISIT IN MAY!! AAAHHH!!!

PS: You should bring your ass out here too. There's free room and board! You'd have an entire basement all to yourself.

Soda and Candy said...

Yay, monkeys & diamonds!!!

LBluca77 said...

I have always wondered about the adjusting thing too. Where does it go so they need to adjust. I always though everything just hung there. I guess it will always remain a mystery to me.

sour said...

hahaha you are so funn...wait...is that a sparkly thing? monkeys bringing me diamonds?

Fizzgig said...

my theory on adjusting is they arent getting any and they are full and uncomfortable.

i dont even have a set and I came up with that beautiful observation.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

It is a necessary evil. I get embarrassed when I have to do it in public, so I do the ol' stretch. it separates my coin purse for the side of my groin.

Kevin James says it well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sNQn_s6TIM

Stephanique1 said...

Are you adjusting the franks? or the beans? Or both?

Mike said...

Both

fiona said...

Great post darlin! lol
I think most of the wee ones "adjust" just to reassure themselves that it's still there. The "big boys" don't do it...much
So I've heard...

D.C. Confidential / Janet Kincaid said...

Male anatomy is a mystery to me. But I've reached a point where I figure, if guys can scratch their balls in public, I can scratch my boobs.

Kellie said...

The hubs told me it is b/c things get hot down there and the berries can "cling" to the stick or even to the thigh so they have to adjust to separate said items. Lift and separate! :)

moooooog35 said...

Someone should tell Narm to leave Lolly alone.

Dolce said...

I don't understand the adjustment either or why men think with their hands down their pants.

Some questions need answers and THIS is one of them.

Maxie said...

I'd rather have a cheetah with diamond bracelet, thank you very much.

f.B said...

We adjust because they move. Often without warning. Sometimes the move is the good kind of move. Other times it's the kind of move that can get you arrested in 8 states.

Smash said...

I totally agree with fiona. I like to do little studies of men I have dated and I found the men who were less endowed adjusted a lot more than the men who were graced with sizable goodies.

And I wonder why I am single...I perform research studies on my men! ha.