I wore a blazer out the other day.
The week before that?
A skinny tie.
In fact, I own three skinny ties.
So what does this mean, other than the fact that I am devastatingly handsome?
It means I've traded diesel fuel for hair product...Wrangler for Calvin Klein...Billy Ray Cyrus for T-Payne.
Ok, that last one is a wash.
My point is that this blog is supposed to be about a redneck living in the big city - and I don't like false advertising - that's why I stopped stuffing a sock down my pants in '97.
Just to show you that I'm not a complete fruity city-boy - here is the greatest redneck game since wiffle beer.
The Burn Pit.
Sounds like something from an MTV reality show, doesn't it? Like a bunch of roided up pretty boys rub themselves down in hair gel and then wrestle in some pit until one of them pops a chubby or cries about his mom.
But no, this is way more exciting.
Burn Pit is simple - you get yourself a nice little fire going in a fire ring or burn pit or your neighbors kitchen - whatever is convenient.
Then you set a moderately thick log across the top of the barrel with equal portions or excess on either side. Make sure the log is at least a foot or two longer than the pit so there is plenty of excess hanging off the edge.
When you have the log positioned perfectly - everyone sits down with a 12-pack of beer and guesses two things -
How many minutes until the log burns through the middle and breaks
Will the pieces fall inside the ring or outside.
Then - you wait.
And really, besides talking about Dale Jr. or taking your cousin to prom, all you do is wait for that log to break in a blaze of glory.
The winner doesn't get a prize - only the honor of being the smartest redneck in the WHOOOOLE trailer park.
And with the new found mastery of all things fire, maybe the nickname The Blazer.