Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Blazer

I wore a blazer out the other day.

With JEANS.

A blazer.

The week before that?

A skinny tie.

In fact, I own three skinny ties.

So what does this mean, other than the fact that I am devastatingly handsome?

It means I've traded diesel fuel for hair product...Wrangler for Calvin Klein...Billy Ray Cyrus for T-Payne.

Ok, that last one is a wash.

My point is that this blog is supposed to be about a redneck living in the big city - and I don't like false advertising - that's why I stopped stuffing a sock down my pants in '97.

Just to show you that I'm not a complete fruity city-boy - here is the greatest redneck game since wiffle beer.

The Burn Pit.

Sounds like something from an MTV reality show, doesn't it? Like a bunch of roided up pretty boys rub themselves down in hair gel and then wrestle in some pit until one of them pops a chubby or cries about his mom.

But no, this is way more exciting.

Burn Pit is simple - you get yourself a nice little fire going in a fire ring or burn pit or your neighbors kitchen - whatever is convenient.

Then you set a moderately thick log across the top of the barrel with equal portions or excess on either side. Make sure the log is at least a foot or two longer than the pit so there is plenty of excess hanging off the edge.

When you have the log positioned perfectly - everyone sits down with a 12-pack of beer and guesses two things -

How many minutes until the log burns through the middle and breaks

and

Will the pieces fall inside the ring or outside.

Then - you wait.

And wait.

And really, besides talking about Dale Jr. or taking your cousin to prom, all you do is wait for that log to break in a blaze of glory.

The winner doesn't get a prize - only the honor of being the smartest redneck in the WHOOOOLE trailer park.

And with the new found mastery of all things fire, maybe the nickname The Blazer.

17 comments:

Deutlich said...

I would like physical evidence of these skinny pants.

Wait.

Wait..

You did say skinny pants, right?

justjp said...

Bro, I get wiffle beer and skinny ties. But, blazers and burn pit? Maybe I have been out of the park too long.

Matt said...

I thought I read skinny tie... but if you really did type skinny jeans...

Also, this post further proves that rednecks are the most creative being on the planet.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i've definitely played burn pit before, i have this weird interest in fire. not in the pyro way of course

and i knew the douchy gene was going to rub off on you while being at maproom. quick - go back to harbor before it spreads.

but the blazer can always be used as a factor of warmth, just call it a coat from now on. ha

surviving myself said...

I wish I could play Burn Pit, but sadly, living here only allows me to play such a thing with bums who light garbage cans on fire. And I bet they'd cheat.

Marie said...

I need evidence of skinny tie. And other clothing items you mentioned.

Dolce said...

Three skinny ties?

Hhmm...

Soon people aren't going to think you're just "metro"...

Lauren said...

Skinny ties remind me of Joel McHale from The Soup.

I do enjoy the Blazer and jeans look.

Kellie said...

Now we have a new game to play as we sit out getting drunk around our fire pit. Thank you! Now if the weather would just cooperate!

Also, my word verification is possibly the best one ever: brews. Need I explain?

Christina_the_wench said...

Geez, you forgot the bales of hay to sit on and the pick up trucks blaring WIOT or 98.9.

Amateur....

TishTash said...

It's kind of like the game we single girls like to play in San Francisco where we like to guess which of the guys wearing skinny ties or blazers with jeans are flaming.

We usually guess "all."

Giggle Pixie said...

Oh yeah. Skinny jeans can't be too far behind.

Fizzgig said...

and this has to be in the kitchen?

Deslyxia said...

I thought the sock thing stopped in 2007, not '97?

insomniaclolita said...

please, please dress like T Pain and upload some pictures :P

Chocobo said...

Oh! I know this one. The correct answer is always "when Jimbo gets drunk enough to think that jumping on the log is a good idea". Man it's funny when he falls in the fire, though.

Maxie said...

now I know what I'M doing this weekend!

YES!