Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Weight

Girls, we know what you want.

We know EXACTLY what you are doing.

But goddamn if we aren't too competitive to care.

You have one of "those" days - a day where you feel chubby or your sexy jeans don't fit quite right. So as you pout you look at us and lay a bear trap the size of Tom Cruise's crazy -

"How much do you think I weigh?"

Damn you, Devil Woman.

We know what you want - and you think it is easy. All we have to do is guess some number that is probably 10-15 lbs less than you weight. We can't guess TOO low or it is obvious we are sucking up - but we have to be sure it is at least 10 lbs less than you actually weigh.

But here is the problem - guys don't know how to completely give up. You challenged us - you asked us a question and goddamn if we aren't going to answer it.

You see, guys are addicted to competition - and just by ASKING that question, you are an enabler.

Do you think when Dan Marino's wife asks him how much he weighs he just backs down and guesses some wrong number? Fuck no! Dan takes a 5-step drop and launches a 60 yard touchdown pass. Then he cures cancer.

Do you think that Les Stroud just backs off when his wife asks him if she still fits into those sexy jeans? Wrong - he makes a canoe out of an elephant carcass, arm wrestlers an alligator and stops smoking cold turkey.

Because we are guys - and our biggest weakness is not boobies - it is competition. You can't throw out a question and not expect me to give 110% to nail that bad boy on the head. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win meaningless competitions that wield absolutely no prize.

So you can get mad, and pout and make me sleep on the couch - but I'll still be a Man.

Just like Dan Marino.

35 comments:

moooooog35 said...

Yep.

You're just like Dan Marino.

Neither one of you has won a Superbowl.

Do you cry yourself to sleep at night, Narm?

LACES OUT!!

Marie said...

So how much do you think I weigh?

Matt said...

same thing goes when they ask their age.

or how many chicks you have slept with.

or if you like what their wearing.

Shit. We have to lie alot dont we?

pj said...

Dan gets that way now from nutrisystem.

Fizzgig said...

who does this? i would never ever....ever ever ever ever ever ask my manfriend that question. It sets him up to fail. I like to think he's perfect still.

Plus, people who do that are fishing for compliments. I dont love it. "i look fat" "my hair looks horrible" it annoys me.

Heff said...

I don't know, dude. My weakness IS boobies.

AnkleBone said...

It's Les Stroud, dude.

moooooog35 said...

By the way, best way to respond to "how much do you think I weigh" is to feign narcolepsy.

Sure, you'll have to do this for the rest of your life...

...but SO worth it.

Ashley said...

ew - I would never want to know what someone thinks I weigh. The SO asks me sometimes - isn't that male suicide?

LBluca77 said...

I don't even know how much I weigh myself. I mean ya I know ballpark.

Never use the word big about a girl unless you are talking about her boobs. And never use the word small when talking about a guy. Just a rule of thumb.

Deutlich said...

note to self: never ask a dude how much he thinks you weigh

got it

rs27 said...

This is why I keep it simple with that question.

105 pounds.

Nice and easy. Of course if she's 3'5 this becomes a problem.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

maybe you should get a job at cedar point this summer and be the "guess your age,weight or birthday" guy.


p.s. as a fatty i would never ever ask a boy how much he thought i weighed. oh my god, i would probably cry. and then be forced to go eat a carton of ben and jerry's cause that's how fatties roll.

lacochran said...

"How much do you think I weigh?"

"The perfect amount. Now get me a beer."

Christina_the_wench said...

Word of advice -

Never, I repeat never, tell the chick "who cares? More pushin' for the cushion, baby."

You value your balls, right?

justjp said...

But if you were really Dan Marino, you would put the crazy-ass woman on the Nutri-System diet and end all stupid questions. yea, it's that serious ladies. Guys fix problem. Nuf' said!

Christina_the_wench said...

Ack. That is what I get for trying to type while working. 'cushion for the pushin'. You know what the f#$k I was trying to say anyways.

fiona said...

Yes darlin, you are indeed, still a MAN.
It's not your fault.
We still love you ;)

surviving myself said...

Damn, Mooog was just harsh.

TishTash said...

You should ask your girl, "Do you think my junk is average, bigger than average, or smaller than average?" and see our weakness shine through - our need to always be right.

S. said...

Boys lie-it's true, I saw it on a t-shirt and just to ensure that WE are NOT liers we ask questions where truth is just not an option.

Girls fight dirty.

So@24 said...

You'd rather have competition over boobies?

I've never disagreed with you before, but I might have to take arms up about this one

Giggle Pixie said...

Does this comment box make me look fat?

Kellie said...

Does my ass look fat in these jeans? :)

Even better than the weight question b/c there is NO good answer.

Julie_Gong said...

I thought this was going to be a post about The Band.

Also Les has been winning me over lately. I was strictly a Bear girl but I may convert.

Melange said...

We like to watch guys squirm. We know you won't back down, and neither will we... it's on like donkey kong.

Angela said...

Those are the moments you pop a Twix bar into your mouth. Doesn't tv teach you anything?

Bon Don said...

HA-HA!

You had to sleep on the couch, sucka!
Just tell her that she's the tightest piece of "lovin" you've ever had...that should cheer her up!

Mike said...

Just tell 'em it depends on how many bananas came across the scanner today.

Regardez Moi said...

Just for the record... I've never asked a man (or anyone for that matter) how much he thought I weighed. It's a nasty trap.

I have done the whole... "I feel faaaaaaat" thing, but only when i'm consumed with lady hormones and out of my mind. i've found that the best thing a man can do in this situation is just have sex with me right then and there. Insecurity cured.

Ms. Sadie said...

So your touchdown pass is the couch? Narm - thats not competive - thats giving the Misses a good nights sleep.

Chivarly is not dead. Clearly.

Rachel said...

I had something completely relevant and inspiring to say, but I'm going to abandon it in light of my "word verification" word being "pinktip."

Also, I'm wondering if you're pre-gaming as of yet.

LiLu said...

You couldn't pay me enough to ask a guy that question. Only that guy at the fair, and that's because there's a giant stuffed animal involved. Call me a sucker.

Cheryl said...

Do you think I'm fat?

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This post made me laugh so, so hard. For the record, I would never, ever ask a man this question. I'm not that much of a masochist.

(I did recently, however, make the mistake of telling my male roommate that I weighed myself for the first time in a year and was surprised to find that I weighed ten pounds less than I thought I would. He won no points with me when he looked me up and down, squinted, and then said, "... Really?")