One For The Road

We are a bunch of whiny assholes.

The only thing people like to do more than nothing is complain about the nothing they are doing.

Living in Cleveland, I hear it all the time; "Cleveland sucks, there is nothing to do!"

Really?  Because I went to college in Toledo, so I know a thing or two about nothing doing.

And if that isn't good enough?  I was raised in Delphos, Ohio - a town of 6,000 people that is 45 miles from the nearest free-standing Starbucks.

Think about that for a minute.  There are places where the nearest Starbucks is literally across the street from a different Starbucks.  And my hometown doesn't have one within 45 miles.  If you were divide the amount of miles the Proclaimers were willing to walk just to fall down at your door by 20, it would be roughly the same amount of walking it would take to get a tall, non-fat latte.

So I get it - we're all bored and there is nothing to do.

My question is - how much more crap do you need?

Think about your social schedule and how often you REALLY go somewhere new and different.  I'm not saying your life is an episode of Cheers - but I'm willing to guess you stick to the same five places with a new place sprinkled in once a month.

If people were really so desperate for something new to do, Applebees' parking lot wouldn't be full on a Friday night while I am the only table at that delicious burger place at the end of my street. 

Anyone in a major U.S. city should have no trouble finding something to do.  And, if they do - I invite them to come back to Delphos with me so I can show them how to entertain themselves.

A new Starbucks just opened up - and if we hurry, we can be there in an hour!

Pretty Woman

Men are ugly.

Let's just get that out there.

The best looking man in the world is still uglier than an average looking female.  We're hairy and awkward and compared to women - we don't really take care of ourselves all that well.  Hell, my cat plays in his own litterbox but still gives himself a lick-down everyday.  I went 3 straight days without a shower this weekend.

For those reasons, I struggle to see how anyone could be physically attracted to a man.  Yet, most women and some men are into that - and that's cool.

Because we can't really control what makes our loins become our Loins. 

Women complain about men being shallow because they are turned on by a large chest or long legs - but is that really our fault?  I can't control what makes physically attracted to someone, right?  It is a physical reaction - like being mad at someone for having a peanut allergy. 

But what if you COULD control what you found attractive?  There is no question I would make myself be attracted to ugly people. 

Think about it - the entire world is fighting over tight bodies and pretty faces - there would be NO competition for the uggos out there.  While everyone is drooling over Marissa Miller you could slide up to Rosie O'Donnell like, 'How you, girl?'

And get turned down.

Because even Rosie O'Donnell doesn't think guys are attractive. 

Wolverine Sucks

Ok - that title is a bit of baiting wrapped in a chewy layer of hyperbole and nougat.

Wolverine doesn't suck - he has adamantium claws and the ability to heal himself. If it weren't for that haircut, he'd be nearing Tom Hanks levels of cool.

But I think we've all taken the Wolverine love a bit too far.

In a world where mutants can control thoughts, move objects with their minds, fly, shoot lasers - and a bevy of other tricks - some claws and rapid-healing aren't that spectacular.  In fact, they're barely impressive. I barely ever catch a cold - is that a super power?  And are claws really that large an upgrade over just holding a damn knife?

Know what I can't do?  Shoot lasers out of my eyes. That's what.

I know, I know, Cyclops sucks. In fact, you could argue that Cyclops' only real role in the X-Men is to act as the antagonist to Wolverine. He is the pretty-boy, do-good, entitled jerk that makes us all swoon at Wolverine's leather jackets and motorcycle.

But, in a fight against mutants?  I want the guy with laser beam eyeballs instead of the guy with long fingernails. Wolverine could be captured and contained fairly easily. Cyclops winks and all that's left are some smoldering tree limbs.

Let's put it this way, if Cyclops had Wolverine's personality, we'd all be talking about how great those sunglasses look and how Wolverine's haircut is stupid.

And how neither of them is as cool as Tom Hanks.

Don't Sweater the Small Stuff

Theme parties are a big deal in America. 

While there may have been a recession, the Ugly Christmas Sweater industry must have been BOOMING.

Before that, there weren't enough hair crimpers in the world to keep up with all the 80's theme parties. 

But why?  In my mind, a gathering's goal is to end up as a party.  That is the top of the mountain in terms of entertaining.  If you are already having a party and then you add a theme, the best you can do is still just be having a party.

And if you are trying to ensure that everyone has a good time, there is a much better way to use the $20 spent on finding a costume.

How about a theme party where everyone brings more booze?  If we were to do a statistical analysis of parties, I'm guessing that booze has a greater impact than Dayglo socks.

Or maybe spend that $20 on iTunes so that I don't have to listen to the Black Eyed Peas four times an hour as part of your 'UGLY SWEATER XMAS PARTY MIXXX!!!1!!1!!"

If you are really that serious about throwing a bash, how about a 'Give Everyone $20 Party'?  Ever watch Oprah?  'YOU GET $20!  AND YOU GET $20!'  People would go nuts.  Party of the year, no question. 

So all I'm saying is that I want you to invite me to your house, give me free booze, only play songs I like and then give me $20.

Otherwise I'm not coming.  You can bitch and moan about that, but remember...

NO ONE likes a pity party.

Unless you give them $20.

Santa Barter

I want to know who was the advertising agency behind 'Christmas Gifts'.

Because that is a line of bullshit.  It is more like 'Christmas Trades'.  I give you a box, you give me a box - abracadabra: Christmas.


The gifts themselves aren't even an important part of the equation. It is more like you are putting a bow on the fact that you ran an errand specifically in honor of that person.

"Yes, Aunt Louise, it is a sweater. But REALLY? Really, it is 25 minutes of finding a parking spot, getting elbowed in the groin by an old woman over the last pair of reindeer socks and an extra $20 on my credit card statement. I don't give a damn if it doesn't fit. Merry Christmas."

Which is fine, I still very much enjoy the Christmas Trading and spending hours finding a gift that isn't exactly what that person would have bought if they didn't have to waste their money buying me something I don't exactly want.

Because it brings together friends and family and reminds us of all the wonderful people in your life.

Unless you're one of those people who get a Lexus for Christmas.

Then I'll trade ya.