Everyday Enemies - I'm Cold

Today brings installment of Everyday Enemies - a semi-regular feature here on WCR that allows me to scream at people on the internet. My therapist says this is much healthier than making stabbing motions at them when they turn their back.

For those of you new to Everyday Enemies, it focuses on the people and situations that interfere with my ability to make it through everyday. The people that make me question whether this rat race is worth the cheese at the end. The people who ask, "Hot enough for ya?"

Today's Everyday Enemy - The Obvious Complainer

I recently did a study that analyzed the affect of complaining to changing a situation. What I came back with was quite interesting. After extensive tests and research it turns out that COMPLAINING DOESN'T HELP EVER.

I'll pause while women everywhere pick their jaws up off the floor.

There are lots of situations that I deal with regularly that maybe I don't enjoy - being out in the cold, waiting in long lines, talking to you - yet, I realize that if I complain the entire time, it won't get better.

Know what does help shitty situations? Zoning the fuck out.

When I am stuck out in the cold in a long line talking to you, I just zone out. So when I am looking off into space, fantasizing about Taylor Swift pulling me on stage to sing 'Love Song' and then a spaceship from her home planet comes and beams us up and the Jonas Brothers are steering the ship, then one of them looks at me and just before he can tell me the secret to life I hear your voice say, "I'M SO COLD!" - I'm going to give you the Murder Eyes.

I don't want you to think I am against complaining - I mean, I am a blogger for christ's sake - complaining is like the air I breathe. That being said, complaining in already horrible situations is like Hell playing a loop of Nickelback - I'm already on fire, don't rub it in, Satan.

Because I am not afraid to make stabbing motions at him when he turns his back.

Whale Wars

I'm sorry everyone, but I am too excited to blog today. You see, at home I have a gift. Not just any gift, but possibly the greatest gift of all time.

It is sitting, gift wrapped in my little Tivo box just waiting for me to unwrap and enjoy.

What is it?

THE WHALE THAT EXPLODED

That's right. It is a show about a whale - that exploded.

Where did it explode? In the middle of a street. And the city it exploded in? Tainan, Taiwan. What a hilarious city name! Of course a whale exploded there - it exploded from giggles at saying Tainan, Taiwan.

So, as much as I would love to tell you some fabulous story; I'm afraid nothing will match the story of the exploding whale.

Or saying Tainan, Taiwan.

Vanity Unfair

I'm not one for vanity plates.

I mean, I enjoy that they let me know if people are weirdos before I ever meet them (like wearing a Wanda Sykes t-shirt), but I have yet to read one that told me something I needed to know.

"Ballin"

Really? Is it gangsta to wait in line 45 minutes at the BMV to change your license plate?

"Was His"

Congrats! You got the car in your divorce! And to celebrate, you got a license plate that will scare off any new potential man more than the words "I'm late".

But yesterday I saw one that confused me to the point I wanted to just pull over and cry.

"NTY MNKY"

What?!?!

What does that stand for?

Nifty Monkey?

Naughty Monkey?

Nasty Monkey?

And behind the wheel? I middle aged bald man.

What could this possibly stand for? It HAS to be some form of monkey, right? And the NTY can pretty much only mean something disgusting. So how did this middle-aged bald man become not only a monkey, but some form of perverted monkey - and why does he now feel the need to broadcast this?

But most importantly, why would he wait in line 45 minutes at the BMV to have this changed?

That's not what a "Nasty Monkey" would do.

Trust me, I would know.

A Love Letter To My Beard

Dear Beard,

I want to begin this letter by saying I can't remember the last time I felt so close to someone. At times it felt like we were part of the same person. Our first meeting was a bit awkward, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit skeptical that we could become something special. But you grew on me.

We shared laughs - oh, how we shared laughs. The long nights that are all a bit fuzzy now - but your razor sharp wit will always make me smile. As we grew more comfortable with each other I felt as though you could see it all over my face - I was in love.

But, as often happens, as time went on we had our problems. You stopped grooming yourself for the future and became a little thicker. I became irritated and had my own bout of rash behavior.

And last night I finally cut off what little connection we still had.

I want you to know that this isn't forever. We will see each other again; perhaps as the weather changes and I lose the need to be free I will retreat back to the warmth of your embrace.

But for now, I'm left to look at the pieces of us strewn around - circling the drain.

Here's to a clean start.

Love Always,
Face

Coff-Fee

I'm in love.

I stopped for coffee and a muffin at this little mom'n'pop shop this morning to cure my fat kid hunger. They didn't take card; I didn't have cash - so the guy behind the counter just said -

"Just pay us next time."

He gave it to me for free. He saw my brain begin eating itself for lack of caffeine and an overdose of Morning and sent me on my way.

It took me back to growing up in a small town - where a few bucks here and there were always forgotten. Where a handshake or your word were as good as a check. Where a pat on the back and a cup of coffee were a fair price for making a stranger's morning that much easier.

And it felt good to find a place that hit home.

I left that coffee shop with a warm heart and took a sip of the coffee.

It tasted like crap.

Ahhhhhh just like home.

Maybe Starbucks isn't SO bad.

Halloween and the Fall of Society

I realize that for every slutty Halloween costume there is someone complaining about slutty Halloween costumes, so I'm not hear to bore you.

Well, not intentionally.

But if girls are going to get all slut-tastic on Halloween AT LEAST be creative with it.

When shopping for Halloween costumes this weekend, I came across the "School Girl Witch".

Does this mean the Halloween industry has completely run out of ways to get girls in short skirts and stockings? We are to the point where we have to COMBINE slutty costumes?

What's next - French Maid Angel?

Devil Nurse?

Bumble Bee Barbie?

Stripper Playmate?

Wait - ok that last one would be just fine.

All I am saying is GET CREATIVE. It is Halloween - do something bold - let's see if you can make Shrek sexy. Let's see a mummy costume that makes me want to trick your treat.

In fact, here is a challenge - if you want to be Queen of Halloween - the girl that can make any costume sexy - lets see you sexify a ghost costume. Let's see you put a sheet over your head and still make me want to go all Casper on your ass.

Then, and only then, will I be impressed.

But really - I've just been dying to use the "want to roll around under the sheets" pick-up line for years now.

Cleveland's A Plum

Top 5 reasons why Alexa from Cleveland's a Plum rules Cleveland:

5. She is a trendsetter: in Cleveland, black is the new black

4. When she yells "HELLO, CLEVELAND!" - it answers.

3. Her blog is the city's only exported good.

2. By winning Cleveland Magazines "Best Blog" she has won more than Lebron James.

1. Her only competition is Drew Carey.

I will rule this town one day - or I will host the Price is Right. Whichever comes first. Watch your back, Alexa.