Continuing our (my?) list of 30 things I need to do / have before I turn 30 on June 30th today and combining the next two as both are related. I'm efficient, people!
Thing I should have: At least one friend who gives honest fashion advice. / A tailored suit.
I have a wife that does this. Now where on the list does it say, "at least one friend who can make you feel better after your wife trashes your fashion sense."
I also have a tailored suit from our wedding - a suit I purchased 2 months before the wedding that I somehow got too fat to wear a week before the Big Day. I spent the last week before our wedding having the suit let out and walking on a treadmill. A TREADMILL! Marriage is tough, you guys.
Thing I should do: Score the winner. / Invent a cocktail.
Man stuff!
I think we can officially agree these lists are less an honest critique of milestones a man should reach before he turns 30, and more a menu of things women look for in their metro-sexually dressed, yet rugged-acting, yet romantic/sweet dream guy. That being the case - this entire exercise feels like a waste since I already fit all of the criteria, but I'll indulge.
So have I scored the winner or invented a cocktail?
Probably.
I played a lot of sports as a kid - I'm sure at some point I was responsible for a win. Does it count if I was also responsible for all of the losses? Do they cancel each other out? Or does a 'winner' count if it's a really great comeback to some troll on an online sports message board? No? What if there was a great .gif, too?
As for a cocktail - it's pretty hard to invent a cocktail that is just straight whiskey. Maybe I'll throw a splash of water in it and call it the "Shut Up and Leave Me To My Whiskey." It should be ordered neat.
It'll be a real winner.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Part 4
Counting down until my 30th birthday on June 30th with a 30 part series of random things some writer somewhere decided were important tests of my manhood.
Today's items:
Thing I should have: At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise.
The sad thing about my shoes is that they accurately describe my entire wardrobe: dress clothes, clothes that aren't dressy but I pretend that they are, a bunch of gray casual shirts, and a bunch of older gray casual shirts I use for anything that takes physical activity (for the record the last 2 pairs of Chucks are actually from two different pairs).
Thing I should do: Ride a horse.
In 5th grade my class went on a trip to Camp High Hope. At camp we did all the usual campy things, highlighted by the fact that this was the first time all the boys had to shower in a public shower together. It being 5th grade, this was really one of our first pubic showers, as well. Gross.
One of the activities at camp was to brush and ride a horse. The camp guide led me to the steed, handed me a brush and told me to start using it. No problem. I've brushed things. It's not that hard.
WHAM!
That fucker kicked me. Right in the thigh next to the parts I had exposed to my friends in the shower for the first time earlier that day. A horse kicking you hurts exactly as much as you would think. Like hell.
But it was camp and it was about learning lessons. They stood me up, made sure my reproductive parts were still attached and marched me back up to that horse. Brush in hand, I reached out to begin brushing again...
WHAM!
This time it was an attempted head shot that I narrowly ducked and took in the shoulder. I literally had a hoof-print bruise on my shoulder for two weeks. It looked like I got the Colts' log tattooed on my back. It was awful. I was a 5th grader getting my ass beat by a goddamn horse in front of my entire class. You think bullies and wedgies are bad? Imagine if a horse was the one shoving you in a locker. With his legs. By kicking you. Maybe this visual didn't work like I expected.
Anyways, the camp counselors again made me approach the horse and eventually ride him. So I have ridden a stupid horse. I hope you're happy now, stupid list of things I need to do to impress you.
Today's items:
Thing I should have: At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise.
 |
| Dressy, Biz casual, Casual, Exercise |
The sad thing about my shoes is that they accurately describe my entire wardrobe: dress clothes, clothes that aren't dressy but I pretend that they are, a bunch of gray casual shirts, and a bunch of older gray casual shirts I use for anything that takes physical activity (for the record the last 2 pairs of Chucks are actually from two different pairs).
Thing I should do: Ride a horse.
In 5th grade my class went on a trip to Camp High Hope. At camp we did all the usual campy things, highlighted by the fact that this was the first time all the boys had to shower in a public shower together. It being 5th grade, this was really one of our first pubic showers, as well. Gross.
One of the activities at camp was to brush and ride a horse. The camp guide led me to the steed, handed me a brush and told me to start using it. No problem. I've brushed things. It's not that hard.
WHAM!
That fucker kicked me. Right in the thigh next to the parts I had exposed to my friends in the shower for the first time earlier that day. A horse kicking you hurts exactly as much as you would think. Like hell.
But it was camp and it was about learning lessons. They stood me up, made sure my reproductive parts were still attached and marched me back up to that horse. Brush in hand, I reached out to begin brushing again...
WHAM!
This time it was an attempted head shot that I narrowly ducked and took in the shoulder. I literally had a hoof-print bruise on my shoulder for two weeks. It looked like I got the Colts' log tattooed on my back. It was awful. I was a 5th grader getting my ass beat by a goddamn horse in front of my entire class. You think bullies and wedgies are bad? Imagine if a horse was the one shoving you in a locker. With his legs. By kicking you. Maybe this visual didn't work like I expected.
Anyways, the camp counselors again made me approach the horse and eventually ride him. So I have ridden a stupid horse. I hope you're happy now, stupid list of things I need to do to impress you.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Part 3
If Part 2 was a cheesy romantic-comedy version of what 'manhood' means, then today's is the passive aggressive Facebook status of a girl recently dumped.
Thing I should have: Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.
Thing I should do: Give up my seat.
These two actually sum up the duality of being a white collar redneck fairly well - balancing a very vocal support for women's rights while also being raised to treat a woman like a lady, when that definition is often at conflict with the word 'equal.'
I know women don't think it's that difficult, but balancing respect and chivalry is a delicate task - especially when women themselves don't always agree on the two. Women can't agree on which pack out of Ryan Gosling's six they love the most - how can they believe they all have the same definition of chivalry and respect?
I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a dirty look for opening a door for a woman - or how many times I've gotten a dirty look for not opening a door for a woman.
Something one woman finds charming can be taken as offensive to another. Is giving up a seat to a woman considered a courteous act? Because lord knows I've gotten, 'I can handle standing, thank you very much,' as a response.
So do I have respect for women as equals? Or course, and I 'give up' the driver's seat to my wife as often as I take the wheel myself - even if I try to still open the door for her.
But her head still looks great attached to those boobs.
Maybe I'll just give myself a half-point for this one.
Thing I should have: Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.
Thing I should do: Give up my seat.
These two actually sum up the duality of being a white collar redneck fairly well - balancing a very vocal support for women's rights while also being raised to treat a woman like a lady, when that definition is often at conflict with the word 'equal.'
I know women don't think it's that difficult, but balancing respect and chivalry is a delicate task - especially when women themselves don't always agree on the two. Women can't agree on which pack out of Ryan Gosling's six they love the most - how can they believe they all have the same definition of chivalry and respect?
I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a dirty look for opening a door for a woman - or how many times I've gotten a dirty look for not opening a door for a woman.
Something one woman finds charming can be taken as offensive to another. Is giving up a seat to a woman considered a courteous act? Because lord knows I've gotten, 'I can handle standing, thank you very much,' as a response.
So do I have respect for women as equals? Or course, and I 'give up' the driver's seat to my wife as often as I take the wheel myself - even if I try to still open the door for her.
But her head still looks great attached to those boobs.
Maybe I'll just give myself a half-point for this one.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th Part 2
Continuing with the series of things I'm supposed to do and things I should have by my 30th, I'm tackling both of today's items at one time:
Thing I should have: A tasty signature dish I can whip up for a date.
Thing I should do: Drive an Amazing Car.
These seems like crazy superficial things made more for a dating profile or romantic comedy than a bucket list. I highly doubt I'll be on my death bed and worried about either of these - unless I woke up some day as Matthew McConaughey in 'Failure To Launch.' Even then the only reason I'd be on my deathbed is because I'd want to kill myself.
If I had a nice car and could cook a good meal I'd be a PERFECT candidate to play the charming guy that just wasn't quite right for the quirky sitcom girl.
Which is great - but I'm turning 30, not trying to date Zooey Deschanel.
Although that would make a great item to include on a list of 'Things To Do before You Turn 30.'
Thing I should have: A tasty signature dish I can whip up for a date.
Thing I should do: Drive an Amazing Car.
These seems like crazy superficial things made more for a dating profile or romantic comedy than a bucket list. I highly doubt I'll be on my death bed and worried about either of these - unless I woke up some day as Matthew McConaughey in 'Failure To Launch.' Even then the only reason I'd be on my deathbed is because I'd want to kill myself.
If I had a nice car and could cook a good meal I'd be a PERFECT candidate to play the charming guy that just wasn't quite right for the quirky sitcom girl.
Which is great - but I'm turning 30, not trying to date Zooey Deschanel.
Although that would make a great item to include on a list of 'Things To Do before You Turn 30.'
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
30 for 30 on the 30th
Well I turn 30 on June 30th.
Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath. So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.
Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:
30 for 30 on the 30th.
I'm going to reference two articles -
30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30
and
30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30
So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th. But you know what? Shut up.
Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'
Oh I've done this. I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.'
Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks. There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over.
But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.
I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing. And that's if I go through all my moves twice. This was like a marathon. I got down. I shimmied. I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count. And that was all just the first verse. Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity.
Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'
No chance. I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already. And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out.
Here's the thing. I have a beard. It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger. You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old. If anything, I need my face to get older. My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties. Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.
And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars.
Of course, I drive home from my office job to my house in the suburbs to eat dinner with my wife and give my baby a bath. So I've actually been 30 for a few years now.
Either way - we love round numbers in this country so I'm going to use this as an excuse to celebrate with a new blog series:
30 for 30 on the 30th.
I'm going to reference two articles -
30 Things a Guy Should Do Before He Turns 30
and
30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30
So I guess technically it is 60 for 30 on the 30th. But you know what? Shut up.
Thing I should do before 30 - 'Dance with a stranger in a strange land.'
Oh I've done this. I was at a piano bar and got pulled on stage by a cougar to dance to 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.'
Now, I'm not new to cougar attacks. There is normally some playful flirting, a joke or two, and it's over.
But that damn song is 8 minutes and 29 seconds along.
I have enough dance moves for maybe, MAYBE, 23 seconds of dancing. And that's if I go through all my moves twice. This was like a marathon. I got down. I shimmied. I threw my hands in the air so many times, I don't care to count. And that was all just the first verse. Not to mention the awkward juxtaposition of dancing with a cougar to a song about a high school girl losing her virginity.
Thing I should have before 30 - 'A skin care regimen.'
No chance. I have a strict 'No Showering On the Weekends' rule already. And at this point my showers are a quick once-over the arm pits and leg pit before I get out.
Here's the thing. I have a beard. It is constantly growing, which means it is constantly getting younger. You fools are all worried about your skin aging - well screw you, my face is like a week old. If anything, I need my face to get older. My beard is immature right now, laughing at fart jokes and thinking girls have cooties. Instead of using some stupid face cream, I'm going to rub a Playboy all over my face and let it smoke cigarettes.
And I'll warn it about the types of girls that go to piano bars.
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