Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I Nose What You Did Last Summer



Runny noses are kind of bullshit.

The entire point of snot is to prevent the bad stuff from going up my nose – so why does my body turn into a snot factory when I’m already sick?  Is it guilt?  “NAH, MAN – I’VE BEEN MAKING PLENTY OF SNOT.  LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.  I GOT SNOT COMING OUT OF MY…WELL, I’VE GOT A LOT OF IT.  YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN SICK SOME OTHER WAY.  BLAME MOUTH.  YOU SEE THE STUFF HE PUTS IN HIMSELF?”

For how complicated the human body is constructed, there sure are a lot of design flaws.  Why does your body get weaker or swell or get a fever to tell you something is wrong?  “Hey dude – some shit is screwed up in here so I’ve made you exponentially weaker to help you fix it.”  Your body might as well start hitting you with your own hands and then scream, “STOP HITTING YOURSELF!  STOP HITTING YOURSELF!” 

Sometimes I feel like my body and my brain are fighting.  My brain is pissed my body is sick and trying to figure out who to blame.  My nose invites some slutty virus up there and catches the head cold version of the clap and is trying to cover his tracks by throwing snot around like a parade. 

In the end I know my nose is doing something stupid whenever I get sick and it starts running, I just can’t catch it. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th THE END

We're here.  We're to the end of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

It's my 30th birthday eve's eve.  Except, unlike Christmas eve, the only bearded person sneaking through my house will be me when I have to pee at 3am. 

A lot of people get depressed as they get older.  Like they're closer to death. 

I'm pumped!  I've avoided death for 30 years now.  That's a pretty incredible living streak.  It's also pretty low standards on things to be excited about. 

But that's fine.  I'd rather appreciate the memories and people and days I'm adding on to my life every morning than worry about the days on the end of my life I'm losing.  I'm counting up, not counting down. 

So let's wrap this thing up (that's also a tip on a way to live longer for all you young'uns out there.)

Things I should have:

The beginning of a nest egg.

A place where everyone knows his name.

At least one sex move he's received lots of positive feedback on.

Does it count as a nest egg when the projected cost of college when my daughter turns 18 is approximately: all of the monies?  It's hard to save money when there is literally no amount of my salary I could put aside that would even dent her future college tuition.  I might as well spend it as a bar - at least everyone there knows my name.

As for the sex move that I've received positive feedback on?  NOT USING THE PHRASE "SEX MOVE."

Things I should do:

Learn a magic trick.

Look after someone else's kids for the day. 

Quit something you love.

When I was like 12 I got super into learning magic tricks.  And I was awful at them.  Somehow my parents would sit through them and pretend they couldn't tell that I flipped the card behind my back or whatever.  My parents were awesome.  But this probably explains why no one wanted to watch me for the day. 

As for quitting something I love - this would be a great time to quit the blog.  I mean, this worked out pretty well with the ending of this list quitting something you love and all that.

But I don't feel like doing that.  Partially because I just renewed the domain name, partially because I find the domain name REALLY clever... still... 5 years later.

But mostly because I still enjoy cranking out a post once a month and then obsessively checking the analytics to see if anyone read it.

So thank you for reading.

It's a better birthday present than you know.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th - Parts 25 -27

We're getting so close to my 30th I can almost feel it!  Wait.  Nope.  Just a fart.

Continuing my countdown of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on the 30th - so much having and doing!!!

Things I should have:

Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.

Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line.

A great razor.

This is just dumb.  Of course a handsome man like me has no problem approaching someone I find attractive.  And why would I have to use a cheesy pick-up line when I look like this?

But the reason I can do those two things is because my beard is what you see when you are dying.  They say you see a tunnel, but that's actually just my beard and the light at the end is the space between my mustache and my chin.  Don't believe me?  Think about it - if you reach the end of the tunnel it would be like giving me a kiss.  That's the definition of heaven right there. 

Things I should do:

Drink tequila in Mexico.

Sell something you've made to someone you don't know.

Walk a mighty distance.

I drank rum in Jamaica.  Does that count?  And I sold you on reading this blog.  Which means I've made it!

As for walking a might distance - I used to have to hoe 80 acre fields 5 rows at a time.  It's literally just walking through dirt and weeds for 12 hours in the heat.  It's one of those jobs that I can't accurately explain to city kids who complain about working at the Gap when they were teenagers.  I mean - all they had to do was sell something to people they didn't know.  That sounds easy. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 20-24

I'm counting down the 30 things I need to have and do before I turn 30 this Sunday, the 30th.

I gave myself 66 days to complete a list of 30 things - and with 5 days to go I have 11 items left on the list.  This isn't a good start to the rest of my life. 

Things I should have: 

Always enough toilet paper.

Sheets that don't scratch.

A nightstand that doesn't say "Handle with care" on the side.

A smile he uses generously.

At least one lamp that didn't once belong in a dorm room. 

Almost this entire portion of the list is about shedding off the cheap items of my youth for more permanent, adult options. 

I always have enough toilet paper - and I buy the good stuff so that those sheets don't scratch.  I have nightstands and lamps that aren't from Ikea - and I use my smile generously because the nightstands and lamps cost so much I can't be generous with my money.

This part of the list was about me growing up, putting down some roots and looking towards the future.  Well if that's all it took to turn 30, I've been 30 for a few years now.  I became a lame old guy in my mid-20s.  I'm a trendsetter. 

Things I should do:

Stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.

Started your own business.

Said, "I love you" and mean it. 

Taken a punt on a long shot.

Sung in public.

If the 'have' list was about growing up, the 'dos' are about going all in.  Take a chance - take a risk.  Go for it.  Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll still land among the stars. 

It's starting to sound like a sorority girl's AIM away message from 2004.

I've stayed up all night to watch the sunrise.  I've said "I love you" and meant it.  I've taken the long shot (and lost.)  I've sang in public.  I've done all that.

And that's why my hair is falling out and I can't drink two beers without a hangover now.

Age has certainly been giving me the business lately - but I guess I started it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

30 for 30 on the 30th Parts 18 & 19

Last week of my 20s, you guys.  Sweatin' over here.

Time for the home stretch of my list of 30 things I should have and do before I turn 30 on June 30th.

Things I should have: Jumper cables / A driver's license

Again, Mr. List, this is an odd order to do things.  But I'll play along...

I failed my driver's test on my first attempt.  I had been driving farm machinery for years and was a good driver.  But I took a Ford Explorer with tinted windows to do the parallel parking section and got more cockeyed than...well there's no where to take that joke that remains PG-13 so I'm just gonna let it sit there.

Things I should do: Be a rock god / Eat something truly weird

I was in a rock band in high school.  Our name was Shatt.  I played the drums (poorly) and we also had a guitarist, bassist and singer - who all did their jobs poorly as well.  I was the worst musician, but much better than everyone else at having a basement for practice sessions, so I got to be in the band.  We were awful.  But when you are from a town of 6,000 people, the number of rock bands is fairly minimal, meaning just by virtue of being IN a band, I was in one of the three best bands in town.  Rock God!

As for eating something weird - I order chicken livers all the time.  They're delicious.  And it drives my vegetarian wife crazy.  But at least she doesn't have to parallel park.